Happy supposedly three years of unconditional love, support & warmth.
I don't know how have you been feeling lately, or how you feel when you realized 29th, our day is approaching and now it is here.
I questioned myself a few times before I got down to write this. If I was okay enough to write, to think of you and us while I fill this blank space with whatever I've been keeping to myself since the day you walked out of my heart's door. I really can't bear to see myself break down & cry like the way I did a week before you left.
I don't deny you are still on my mind. I keep myself busy all the time to drive the thought of you away. I knew this day would come. I knew it'd be tough on me. I knew the pain would be so overwhelming, I might forget myself & everything else. I was prepared for it but three years.. A relationship of three years gone just like that. How can I forget? I'm not you. Every corner of everywhere I go would remind me bits & pieces of you, of us together, of our memories. How can I ever forget? You were my family. You were all that I have, the one I know I can rely on..
For a moment I thought I was going to die. The first person to die of heartache. The pain, it's indescribable. It hurts so much, no matter what I do so I would be distracted from the pain, it didn't help at all. Slowly, it faded. I thought it was gone. I couldn't feel anything at all. When someone surprises me, appear at my door steps to take me out, I am not.. happy, like I will normally be. I was emotionless, too quiet. I felt nothing. Empty. But the smile continued to hang on my lips. I didn't want anyone to know too much about what was going on at the back of my head.
My friends think I'm fine, I'm stronger than the way I was before & I'm a lot better. Deep down I know the stronger me is still not that okay. Deep down I've been looking at the calender & wished 29th didn't existed. Deep down I know once I were to start crying, nothing will be able to stop the tears.
Everything got better. Things start to look up. I started to feel. Happy, glad, excited, worried, tired.. I woke up thinking of someone else. I slept with someone else & not you on my mind. I got a lot better. Until this week, after looking at the calender, planning my week, I realized 29th is here. Everything came back & hit me like waves. My mind plays the whole scene of how I imagined us celebrating today together. In the car, to a cheap but good dinner, spend the night together, go to sleep with your usual "goodnight bee" & a real big fat kiss, hear you deep breathing next to me in the middle of the night, wake up with you by my side & have you to pack my bag, dry & comb my hair, have breakfast together, have you to send me home & when I get home, before I knock out, I'll send you a text that says "Thank you bee, for everything. Happy 3rd year, I love you so much."
I'll never forget the things you did, the things you said. They will remain clear in my mind as though it happened just yesterday.
I hope today haunt you as much as it did to me.