Monday, July 19, 2010

I worry I won't see your face light up again

I don't know what's with me lately. Not interested in anything at all. Just wanna sit home, sit by the television, be a couch potato or just sit by the laptop & watch Gossip Girl. Speaking of which, I've finished watching 90210 & Gossip Girl! Gonna move on to Skins, then Grey's Anatomy, & maybe L Word. I watched them half way & gave up 'cos it was too boring. Or I got bored of it :/ I really wanna watch Glee only because D watched it & is counting down to the next season on his Twitter, Vampire Diaries only because Sass can't stop raving about it, Desperate Housewives only because I watched a few episodes when I was in Bangkok & loved it, and The O.C & One Tree Hill because I've always wanted to watch it but no time.

Been hibernating for awhile now. Not talking to anyone unless necessary, staying indoors more than usual, getting gastric more often because I don't go out at all. I like the feeling of being alone, quiet. But when it starts making me feel lonely, I hate it. The silence can kill me. Sometimes it's too much for me to take. I like being alone but I hate being lonely.

So last week I had the worst week of all weeks in 2k10. But someone made it better. Someone surprised me :)
After all that happened, I thought he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He whatsapped me & said he bought something for me. I was shocked. He wouldn't tell me what was it after I asked. So I thought we were gonna meet for lunch or whatever but he said he'd drive over 'cos they can't keep for long. Seriously, I had no idea what it was. Ice-cream? Maybe fortune kitty!! How'd he know I wanted a fortune kitty? But fortune kitty can be kept long...... It was until I saw him then I realized, boy, do I miss him. He was standing right there, next to his car. I felt like my heart was gonna pop out of my mouth if I don't close them tight enough.

The time from he whatsapped me until right now, I can't stop thinking that the reason why he's being so nice is because he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I'm such a horrible girl, why would he wants anything to do with me? Or maybe he bought it for me because..I bought something for him when I went Bangkok? Or maybe he bought extras. Or maybe C asked him to buy & be nice. I DON'T KNOW! I wish I knew what the reason was.

Jam he made, sweets & a box of chocolates.

We talked until he had to leave, he walked me back, I thanked him again for the stuff & for coming all the way down. I have to admit that the whole night, whatever we talked about & whatever he said has been on my mind. I wish I knew what he was talking about when he told me about cars. I wish I had the courage to ask if he'd teach me about cars & bikes & not find me a nuisance or too much of a bimbo for such things. I wish he'd share why he's so vexed, why he hasn't been sleeping much. I wish our eyes would meet, coincidentally, and he'd smile back shyly.

And if it's not too much to ask for, I wish he'd ask me out. Movie, lunch, dinner, cycle, bowl, LAN  whatever. Even if it's just sitting somewhere & talk for an hour like we did that night.

Thinking if I should delete everything just before I publish this.
Secretly hoping he wouldn't read this but ahhh if he did, it's okay. I guess, uh, with him knowing, it wouldn't hurt? Or would it? :/

But if he did....

Thank you, again. You had no idea how much difference your appearance made. It really turned my frown around. So I'll see you, soon? :)

(I hope, after reading this post, he'd still reply "yeh I'll see you")

No comments: